4 I could take:
4. Kangaroo- the precedent is already there, big ol pussies, get me in the ring with the most buff swell Roo, I’ll two piece one of those bitches real quick and take home the animal kingdom heavyweight belt Ding.. Ding.. Ding.
3. Seagull- Simply put, revenge. I was dominated on the Ocean City, NJ boardwalk by these cocksuckers back at a younger age (pretty sure I was 19-20). Basically I’m ready to dominate in the second meeting between us and not only that but put any doubts to rest by dominating the 3rd and final match of the trilogy. To be publicly humiliated like I was by the sea pigeons will put a fire up anyones ass making them hungry for blood.
2. Cheetah- I know exactly what your thinking, “what about their speed?!” Fuck that overgrown housecoat and its speed (disclaimer cheetahs are a favorite animal of mine but there are no friends in these scenarios), not only do you regularly get dodge ducked dipped dived and dodged by dumb Sahara deer but you are the nerd of the African Savannah’s. Lions, hyenas, leopards, African wild dogs, and for christ sake Vultures! All of these will back you off of a fresh kill like a mirror will back me off of getting a second plate at dinner. I show my teeth once you’ll be rolled over playing dead hoping I buy your act.
1. Deer- you practically kamikaze into our cars on a regular basis at this point I think other than lemmings you may be the animals who just hate yours lives the most. Hunted regularly by every redneck in America and then some basically for fun and you’re still overpopulated are there just too many of you? All I’m saying is there may have been a possibility Bambi’s mom “tripped” running away from those hunters.
4 That would dominate me
4. Cassowary- If you don’t know about this murder bird look them up, not only does he has the distinct advantage of intimidation with my fear of birds but this death Dodo is about as equip as a Swiss army knife for man slaughter
3. African Wild Dogs- Fido here not only graduated from Harvard, Princeton, and Yale all at the same time as valedictorian but it also is the 4 time gold medal champion in every olympic event longer than the 1500 and that includes all the way up to the marathon. Oh and did I mention trains mouth 7 days a week and twice on Sunday. Alone or in a pack me and sky daddy will be seeing each other real quick.
2. Turkey- Simply because turkeys have dominated me my entire life, they’ve been the lifelong bully that I tried to stand up to one time and laughed in my face then proceeded spit in my face, swirly me, take my lunch money, and atomic wedgie me so hard my underwear molecularly fused to my ass crack and is now just a part of me. The way a deer freezes in the headlights (there they go again just another reason I would dominate a deer) is what I would do the second I saw one of these spawns of satin.
1. Chimpanzee- I thought about trying to think of something original here but I mean come on. Not only are they probably just as smart as me these maniacs wake up and choose violence on a regular basis. Look up any horror story of chimpanzee attacks, you will be unrecognizable. They also aren’t just strong, smart, and violent, they will troll your face off (literally and figuratively) one of the first things they will go for is the family jewels and they just love throwing their own fecal matter. So King Kong micro will rip your balls off probably smash them, rip you limb from limb, proceed to make your face look like you didn’t want to be on a prank show so they had to blur out your face, but they will probably finish by taking a hot shit in their hand throwing it at you and laugh. Stop keeping these animals as pets you Morons!
The Hamm Report 