TEXAS IS BACK! TEXAS IS BACK! TEXAS IS BACK! TEXAS IS BACK! TEXAS IS BACK! TEXAS IS BACK!
Oh sorry did that seem excessive? Well Texas, welcome to looking into a god damn mirror. This is all the rest of the country has heard from you every year for the past, at minimum, 6 years but probably more. Shut the fuck up. You are not back, you have not been back, and I’m here to tell you right now… you may just never be back.
You bunch of pretentious assholes think that you deserve everything, you think all of college football and the NCAA needs to bend the knee to you and dance when you say dance. Well guess what you prissy ass bitches, YOU ARE DELUSIONAL! Sure you have a “history” which I’d even say is fools gold, but let me explain why you need to come of your golden toilet bowl and start to live in reality.
So Texas and their “rich history”, I’d beg to differ. This was supposed to be a quick blog that in the process of writing decided to do way too much math just to show you how shit you really are. I have compiled a list of 11of what I and many other would probably consider traditional “powerhouses”, I could have went much deeper but I felt I proved my point enough with these 11. Starting from 1970-present (I included this year by accident but one year is not going to help your case at all and. I didn’t want to redo all the counting and math). I got the numbers to math this all out from sportsreference.com just for reference.
So my stat: Percentage of years a team finishes with 3 or more losses in a year (1970-present) which I would consider for a “traditional powerhouse” to be a very successful season. So here it is from the teams who have finished with 3 or more losses from lowest percentage to highest
Alabama 43%: No surprise here
Oklahoma 44%: Another one that should be of no surprise
Ohio State 46%: three teams who have been regulars in the college football playoff recently, still no shock
Nebraska 54%: considering how shit they’ve been lately surprising to me, very good records back in the day
Penn State/Florida State 60%: two teams who have been fairly consistent over the year with two long term coaches in Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden
Don’t worry Texas we are getting to you just… not yet
USC 62%: You won a battle Texas but you sure as hell aren’t winning the war
Florida 65%: I was surprised by this if I’m being honest
Miami 69%: Nice
And Finally…..
Notre Dame/Texas 71%: Two fraudulent institutions sharing the same percentage of mediocrity how fitting, Notre Dame that wasn’t a ricochet shot it was very much a direct shot
Numbers… Talk…
Basically you cannot be back, when you were just never there…
Besides all that, say being back for you is back to the good times with Mac Brown and Vince Young, just getting back to that level. Well guess what Texas you haven’t even fucking sniffed it you dumb bitches. The last 4 years of Mac Brown you weren’t even there! The closest you came was last year and you fired your head coach!
Sure there is hope now with Sark for the future, but is there really? You were never back in a cupcake conference that was held up by your fake asses and Oklahoma who is very real and has made you their bitch. Now you decide because you’re “too good” for the Big 12 you’re going to go to arguably the best conference in the SEC. Well let me tell you what my friends, you’re going to leave one conference thinking you have the big swinging dick screaming “WE ARE BACK WE ARE BACK!” and find out very quickly you have walked into an orgy where your dick is in fact the smallest, and then Texas you will be back… running with your tail between your legs back to the Big 12, where I hope they give you a big middle finger and shut the door in your face leaving you the sad rich boys crying in the rain because you lost the only girl that every showed you love for a pair of big titties that didn’t even like you they just liked your money.
The Hamm Report 